Jealousy is something I have battled with since I was a child, and do, still deal with on a daily basis. For me it is an extreme emotional and mental reality. Men do seem to be the main object of my insanity. But some female friends can provoke/inspire it in me.
It may have something to do with not having my Dad around as a child, I don't know? It may have something to do with the fact that I had a Grandfather figure in my life from 4 years of age who doted on me, and met my every whim. Quite possibly?
I don't think, Why? is important here. The identifying that I had a problem was 'crucial' for my well being and it didn't happen over night unfortunately for those around me. Jealousy made me want to keep my little world for me only and all hell would break loose if anything was askew.
The saying, 'If you Love something set it free, if it returns it is yours, if it doesn't it never was.' I loathed that saying, it was my Nemesis! But it stuck with me, through the years, and as I became more aware of myself and my actions, that loathed saying became a point of meditation, a pause in my raging mind, a breath while drowning in my emotion.
It did take alot of me being able to stop and take a look at myself as well as others letting me know how bad I had behaved and how it had affected them. I come from a 'she'll be right' family, so these things were never confronted. I also had a love affair with alcohol, which nicely compliments jealousy, (if you look at the subject as a lab rat) So occasionally I literally was a blast at a party.
I met a man who had similar jealousy traits as I had. It was the most intense relationship I'd ever had, and also my last to this day. Suffice to say we managed each other well for a couple of years (I did not drink during these years), then we fought for the next few, which were the on again off again days(in which I was drinking). Seeing his intense jealousy and understanding how I was fuelling that in him, enabled me to see my own jealousies and how irrational my thoughts and actions were. I was reading all sorts of stuff too, to inspire letting go and strengthening self. I did start letting go of many hard past truths and present emotions, extremely hard to do! Before our relationship ended he had shown me: how to watch myself, how to detach from my feelings to assess the reality and how much I actually wanted life. Because I never seemed to get life right, I thought constantly what's the point!?
Anyway one Xmas night we argued one last time. He threatened my life, and I believed him. We have not met or spoken since. He scares the shit out of me. But he gave me so much. I still have to keep my jealousy in check. Though I've not been in a relationship since, it still rares its ugly head through any social connections, yes even Twitter. So now I've lost all my followers. I will have to change my name. haha
I don't know what level of jealousy is normal or out of wack, but I am pleased to be able to watch how I interact and affect others. I always try to have a positive affect. I want life to be pleasurable, for myself and anyone I have contact with, I hope I do this.
There was no set purpose to this post, and their are probably gaps, and or questions spawned. I don't know where or how you leave comments and stuff, but feel free to, or @ me. hahaha