Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Faith- A Zephyr or a Rock is Faith- No less

Only 18 days ago, it seems like a month at least, a fellow tweep asked me: "and what is Faith as you see it?" Not sure if that is verbatum, went to go find the actual tweet but there are 1000s between then and now. My answer to said question seems quite esoteric now I look at it. I favorited that bit, my vanity?

My answer was..

"Faith, in that deepest yearning, that it is connected to an essential force beyond life..." "Beyond life, not separate from, but a part of our tangible life. Pure joy, bliss not striven for, sorry Im not sure I understand more.."
This tweep was actually the final inspiration that lead to this blog and it was directly this very subject, that inspired him to ask if I blogged and that he would like to read me if I do.
I do not know what faith is I believe I have it to a degree but then I find it fleeting and so intangible as to be of no use at times. I think everyone is essentially searching for that substance to fill a void inherent to humanity. Maybe that is where faith resides and we may need to let go of substance in order to acquire and retain 'faith'.
This is my 4th post and I havent been purposely avoiding this topic 'really', it is just a tough one. I have no concrete answers, I have no religion, what I have is the feeling that it is as it should be. Try telling that to someone who's loved one is dying, or someone who is about to jump. It won't help them at all. However I am not here to talk others into anything. I know only how I feel and why I came to feel/think that way. *I had saved this to drafts and am only now completing for publish. Its serious shit! so haste was not the goal.* 17/10/09
I think I have had the 'feeling' of Faith, since I was a child. I remember one night, us kids were sleeping in a tent out in the back yard, I was 6 yrs old. I looked up into the starry night and thought, I miss you, I want to come home, why did you send me here.
So you see I have been insane all my life.
I guess the most tangible way to tackle faith, would be through religion. I so dont want to offend, but hey if you dont like, you can always leave. I have not been christened or baptised. I am the oldest of 5 and we were bought up by Mum. I did attend Sunday School, as a child. I also had a grandfather figure in my life, who was very religious, christian. It was he who took us to Sunday School. Anyway I spent alot of time with him and experienced his faith first hand, it was joyful and scary and totally mad. But he did manage to ease my growing pains through prayer, well it seemed that way.
He was faithful to the end, refusing surgery that would see him mobile again.
This gave me more reason to hate God.
Throughout my life, I like a spoilt child cursed the creator, many times.
Same old, if there is a God why is there unceasing war in the Holy Land. Why are people randomly killing one another in his name? Why are people starving? Why are we going insane? Yada yada. Why?
Well my opinion has changed over the years, gone back and forth, stagnated and reignited. I have looked through different literature and seen how different people choose to worship 'their' God. The fact that there is ownership over the Almighty amuses me, as does the idea that he is man or perceived to be the form of man. The literature is however beautiful.
As I mentioned I use to hate God or the idea of.. I even tried to deny him but this feeling deep inside, caused me such pain, when I did. Then I had a child, and that bought a new level to the 'feeling'. Birth is a most painful experience but as soon as baby is out, the pain is of no consequence. It just seems miraculous, go for a drug free birth if it is safe to, it's beautiful.
So I start thinking, oh I got what I asked for thank you. Inwardly thanking something I did not understand but felt was right.
Bring in the heavys I got into a relationship, not with my sons father. But with this guy, who's mind I fell in love with, he was astounding and he looked great too. It was the toughest relationship yet.
Long story short he helped me connect deeper with my faith.
It is my opinion that I have evolved through this life time quite considerably. I am still fighting demons of doubt and my cardinal urge. I think religion is a good platform for spirituality. A place to start searching for your truth. I dont want to be tied to any organisation that boxes it all neat and tidy, and professes to know it all. It is not just religious scripture either, science is also part and parcel of our whole understanding. Faith is there for one and all I believe, you either want to know or not.
To enjoy the material is not wrong it makes us who we are and who we become. Indulge the senses, submerge yourself in your desires, learn and grow. Love and keep loving.
Q? "What is Faith as you see it?"

"Faith: that feeling that you are connected, deeply, to something not tangible. But without our physical body, it may not be able to be felt at all. The love that overwhelms your heart. The feeling that you are not alone." Nonsense Mostly Mine.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Just Relations or Relationships

I have been single for nearly four years now. The last relationship was the 'best and worst' I have ever had. During that relationship and since then, it has fascinated me to watch people, and how they interact with each other.

When in that tough relationship one of the many books I read was the novel, The Celestine Prophecy, that it itself was cause for contention in that relationship. Apparently, according to 'him', guys gave that book to chicks to get into their pants, and even though my brother's girlfriend had given it to me, I was still suspect in receiving the gift.

Anyway back to the point, in The Celestine Prophecy they talk about 'energy' and how we all struggle for more of this 'energy'. The most common way people obtain this energy is to take it from other people. Like sometimes you can walk into a room and feel loved and welcomed, these people are giving 'energy' love. Then you can walk into a place and feel as though you are not wanted there, these are withholding 'energy'. Even individual meetings can produce either effect.

So with this 'novel' information ingrained in my brain, I started watching and 'feeling' how people interact with each other. I also saw, how I could effect this interaction 'energy' in a positive/negative way. I observed the power struggle between many different peoples in many different types of relationships. It does appear that we strive for dominance on some level, even the passive servile type, in their own special way.

I started observing my family and how we ribbed each other, and quite obviously strived for the most witty and most intelligent come back. We get quite carried away with this, and it is quite a rush when we are all together. But when some one was down, we all seemed to fade with them, and the atmosphere became suffocating, depressing, and leaching.

I started paying special attention to how my mood affected people. Then consciously started using positivity, and feeling love, towards people to change sad situations. It seemed to work. But watching people in intimate relationships was interesting, seeing the exchange of energies sometimes a battle, sometimes a gift of love. I can understand why we need to connect with others physically and emotionally and how sharing our 'energy' is crucial for our own health.

At the moment someone I love is battling in a relationship, I feel for them and I hope it all works out. I question whether it is possible to have a balanced relationship. I wonder is it not better to give love to all those in your life and maybe have a lover? In my last relationship he wanted my everything, mind, body and spirit. Is it even something another should demand of someone? Should it, in a truly loving bond just naturally flow over to the other person? I dont know?

Well I have had a casual relationship, it was okay. Sometimes I got confused in my feelings, though meeting his parents and loving them may have contributed to my confusion. I know I should not pre-empt the future, but the examples of togetherness I witness do not inspire in me, a desire to be a part of one.

God I depress myself!

Okay love is the greatest gift to give and receive. Maybe one day I can give it exclusively, time will tell.

Love to my bro all the best!!!

Monday, August 17, 2009

To Purge or not To Purge

The other night on NZ's TV3, one of the long time presenters had her farewell, and they played Lou Reed's Perfect Day. I was in tears as I watched the clips of her time in TV with this song to carry it.

I then thought about songs that dig deep and rip your heart out.

The songs I wanted to hear were: Nick Cave & Kylie Minogue's-Where the Wild Roses Grow and the song from Home and Away, Shane's song. I didnt know who sang it or what it was called. I mentioned on Twitter that I wanted to know what this song was, and one of my tweeps told me that the Tribute to Shane and Angel was on You Tube. Thanks Babe. The song Shane's song is by Hunters & Collectors-Throw Your Arms Around Me, a beautiful song, a stunning tribute to the life and death of a fictional character. It to this day stirs the soul.

So I went to You Tube and, I saw the tribute and I cried shamelessly, it was absolutely wonderful to re-live that moment of sweet tragedy. To feel so scoured so purged, it felt real good.

So I have now listened to these three songs many times, Lou Reed's-Perfect Day, Hunters And Collectors-Throw your Arms Around Me, and Nick Cave & Kylie Minogue's-Where The Wild Roses Grow. I also added: Queen's-Who Wants To Live Forever, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus'-Your Guardian Angel, Michael Jackson's-Earth Song, Madonna's-Frozen, Neil Young's-Needle and the Damage Done, and Mariah Carey Boyz II Men's-One Sweet Day. This list is ever growing as I sit and write this post.

But why, why do I choose to torture myself, with such beautiful and haunting music? I'm not having any major soul destroying problems. This is in fact one of the best years of my life, things are going swimmingly well for me. Is it just a need for release? I guess so.

I guess because I am an emotional creature, an understatement really.

I need to feel pain and to release the tension that words cannot release. Tension that is not bought on by anything, but everyday living and breathing. I assume it is a normal practice? I am not sure I've yet to meet anyone, I'd freely insult by calling them 'normal'. I do feel better for the purge, I feel cleansed, and feel I have a clearer perspective. I may just be totally deluded!

So I would encourage purging through music, it's drug free cheap and all your own. Don't use my purge list, it is special to me for many, many reasons. You'll have your own already.

Purge through the magic of music.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Jealousy Mostly Mine

Jealousy is something I have battled with since I was a child, and do, still deal with on a daily basis. For me it is an extreme emotional and mental reality. Men do seem to be the main object of my insanity. But some female friends can provoke/inspire it in me.

It may have something to do with not having my Dad around as a child, I don't know? It may have something to do with the fact that I had a Grandfather figure in my life from 4 years of age who doted on me, and met my every whim. Quite possibly?

I don't think, Why? is important here. The identifying that I had a problem was 'crucial' for my well being and it didn't happen over night unfortunately for those around me. Jealousy made me want to keep my little world for me only and all hell would break loose if anything was askew.

The saying, 'If you Love something set it free, if it returns it is yours, if it doesn't it never was.' I loathed that saying, it was my Nemesis! But it stuck with me, through the years, and as I became more aware of myself and my actions, that loathed saying became a point of meditation, a pause in my raging mind, a breath while drowning in my emotion.

It did take alot of me being able to stop and take a look at myself as well as others letting me know how bad I had behaved and how it had affected them. I come from a 'she'll be right' family, so these things were never confronted. I also had a love affair with alcohol, which nicely compliments jealousy, (if you look at the subject as a lab rat) So occasionally I literally was a blast at a party.

I met a man who had similar jealousy traits as I had. It was the most intense relationship I'd ever had, and also my last to this day. Suffice to say we managed each other well for a couple of years (I did not drink during these years), then we fought for the next few, which were the on again off again days(in which I was drinking). Seeing his intense jealousy and understanding how I was fuelling that in him, enabled me to see my own jealousies and how irrational my thoughts and actions were. I was reading all sorts of stuff too, to inspire letting go and strengthening self. I did start letting go of many hard past truths and present emotions, extremely hard to do! Before our relationship ended he had shown me: how to watch myself, how to detach from my feelings to assess the reality and how much I actually wanted life. Because I never seemed to get life right, I thought constantly what's the point!?

Anyway one Xmas night we argued one last time. He threatened my life, and I believed him. We have not met or spoken since. He scares the shit out of me. But he gave me so much. I still have to keep my jealousy in check. Though I've not been in a relationship since, it still rares its ugly head through any social connections, yes even Twitter. So now I've lost all my followers. I will have to change my name. haha

I don't know what level of jealousy is normal or out of wack, but I am pleased to be able to watch how I interact and affect others. I always try to have a positive affect. I want life to be pleasurable, for myself and anyone I have contact with, I hope I do this.

There was no set purpose to this post, and their are probably gaps, and or questions spawned. I don't know where or how you leave comments and stuff, but feel free to, or @ me. hahaha

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Technically Incompetent

I guess Im not too technically incompetent. I have made it this far. Still nothing worth writing about comes to mind. I did however close the whole thing and sheer panic set in for about 5 mins in which time Id retrieved what I thought Id lost.

This is seriously cutting into my tweeting time.

I do not know if I will even be able to add to this via my phone. Which is my most precious piece of technology.
I also have the added pressure from the owner of this computer who wishes to use it (rude) haha.

Okay I will not be side tracked by design.

Now I shall continue this blog of a journey.